“I think there is something beautiful in revelling in sadness. The proof is how beautiful sad songs can be. So I don’t think being sad is to be avoided. It’s apathy and boredom you want to avoid. But feeling anything is good, I think. Maybe that’s sadistic of me.”—Joseph Gordon-Levitt (via lovelyexile)
You know what upsets me the most? It’s the fact that I can never be totally happy with myself. I always feel like I need to have something or accomplish something and then I’ll finally be happy with myself. But the funny thing is, whenever I get there, I always find something else that I need so I can never be happy. I’m always too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and just plain not good enough for myself.
I try so hard to make myself happy. There are things I know I can’t change, but I want to change them anyway. I set myself up for failure and to unhappy. Sometimes I just want to punch the mirror I’m so mad at myself.
You know what else makes me upset? The fact I can’t number these stupid thirty day challenges right.
Letter 29: Someone You Wish You Could Tell Everything To, But Are Too Scared
To be honest, I don’t want to do this letter. I really don’t trust people enough to do tell them everything again, seeing how well that worked out last time (aka me being on the verge of a huge breakdown). There are people I tell a lot of things to, but I don’t want to have all my eggs in one basket, you know? The closest person would honestly be people in my family, because no matter how many times I screw up, they’ll always love me and not judge me.
I’m sitting in the car. It’s almost eleven and it’s really cold outside. But I can’t get out of the car. Not after what just happened. Adrenaline was still pulsing through my body, but it made me warm despite the frigidness of the air outside. I was still on the high; the high you get when you’re with the one person you want to be with in the entire world. It just kept playing back in my head, like the moment was on repeat in my mind. But I didn’t care, I was glad to replay it. I just wanted to marinate in this moment. The moment after everything has gone right for a change. No worries, just peace.
Yeah, one of the really good moments of my high school years.
Letter 27: The Friendliest Person You Only Knew For A Day
Dear Hot Man at Rite-Aid,
Thank you for being so nice about me buying my tampons from you and trying to make it as not-awkward as possible. I sort of love you for that. Thanks a bunch. Hopefully next time we see each other I will be buying something really cool and we can bond some more. YEEEEAAAH.
Letter 25: A Person Who Is Going Through The Worst of Times
I feel that everyone has problems and everyone feels overwhelmed by them sometimes.
So this letter goes out to everyone, I guess.
So I know that right now, it sucks. Like it seems so bleak that it might not even be worth going on. It would be easier to give up and just stay in bed all day and not have to deal with all of the hard things or have to face that one person or have to cope with all f the things that have been put on your plate. Trust me, as someone who has been there a million times, I know how it feels. It sucks, having to say that. Because in reality, that phrase doesn’t help. It’s like being told “I have two cats.” I mean, it’s more information, but it doesn’t really help.
So, I guess the only thing I have left to say is just keep going. Even if you have to move slower or take baby steps. As long as you move, you move forward. There is a light at the end, even if it seems so small and far away. Keep reaching for it. Don’t give up. Always have faith. Keep believing in what makes you keep going. Because you don’t know if you’re the reason to make someone else keep going.
I have lots of good memories. I’m not going to pretend I had this hard life and that everything that has happened to me was horrible, even though I have in the past. My life for the most part has been pretty easy compared to most people and I love that. So, here is one of the best:
It was Thanksgiving this past year. My whole family was in Long Beach, Washington. We were waiting for dinner to finish cooking, so we took a long walk to the beach. It was cloudy and rainy, of course, but we didn’t care. We played and ran on the beach like it was 90 degrees outside. And it didn’t matter that is was cold and wet and rainy, because we were all together as a family. No drama, just pure joy of being surrounded by the people who will love you through anything.
“We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter’s evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.”—
go to the best school I can and get into the medical program there
become either a pediatric surgeon or a regular pediatrician
become a well-known writer
write a meaningful story
marry a really great guy and have the cutest family ever
Letter 21: Someone You Judged By Your First Impression
Dear Ahmed Mardini,
Yeah, um at first I thought you were alright. So I gave you a chance for my friends. Then you turned into the nasty everyone knows you to be today. I wish you weren’t the way you were, but what’s done is done.
I already wrote you a letter. But just to add on to it…
It’s not the fact that you went behind my back with TWO of my friends, it’s the fact that you lied about it, wrote a song about it saying that I WAS A LIAR, and then played it for the whole school to hear. FYI, buddy, the cheater is always in the wrong. Have a nice life.